So this is the start of my new blog. I have never done one of these before, so please be kind !
I won't say my name, theres no point, I could be anyone. I'm a white, working class girl in her twenties with eating disordered tendencies. Its a normal thing, isn't it? Everyone has one these days. What makes my eating disordered I hear you say?
Well, when I was 14 or 15 I started hanging around with this new girl, a friend, she introduced me to how great it could be when you were skinny. I got skinny, big deal. Then, when I stopped hanging around with her anymore, I got fat. I knew I couldn't be fat forever, so I started purging. I also took laxatives. Still do, occasionally.
I want to be more normal, I feel like I am meant to be naturally thin, Im like a skinny person inside this big fat body. I feel like my body doesn't belong to me anymore, does that make sense? I look at it and I wonder how I let this happen, how I let go of the one thing that kept me thin and beautiful, ana. I am not saying or glorifying anorexia, I am just having my own opinion. I hate the way I am with food, I hate how when I used to be alone I used to live for the growling of my stomach. Now I actually binge when I hear the growl. I sit and think all day about what I could binge on, what I could find easier to purge, when can I take laxatives so I know that when they work I won't be in an embarassing place like at work. This isn't a sort of on the spot thing, its calculated. Constantly. I even sit and work out how many calories they are in my binges, torturing myself.
I see other people eating 'normally'. Whatever that is. And I wonder when it is that I will get back into control.
Im currently around 170lbs. I'm disgusting. I'm 5"7, and I have big boobs, big legs and a big ass. I am going on holiday in the summer, and my goal is to lose 30lbs. I speak to my ana friends (I have penpals.. this has gone on for a long time) and they say, thats obtainable, that should be easy. In 8 weeks thats only 4lbsish a week, I SHOULD be able to do this.
Why is it so hard? People ask me why I dont just 'eat normally'. The answer is, I don't know how ! All I want to do is restrict, diet coke, smoke, water crackers, coffee. I need support, I need to be strong again.
Well, my lovely, you're in the right place. :) I've found more strength and support in this community of bloggers than anywhere else in the world, and now that I'm here and I have them, I don't know what I'd do without them. Honestly, I think I'd be lost. I know I'd be lost.
ReplyDeleteFour pounds a week is pretty intense, but I've seen it done. I'd shoot for something closer to two pounds a week at first, to start, as you have the binge to battle (I'm doing the same, myself, battling the binge monster even with the help of prescription drugs now...it's still hard!)...You can always adjust your goals as you go. That's always another good thing to try to keep in mind along the way...NOTHING is set in stone. Nothing. Not your goals, not your weight, not your future, not the dozen donuts you binged for breakfast...It can be undone. Incorporate cardio into your plan if it's not already, and I swear you will be freakin' AMAZED at how quickly you slim down. Pounds shed off like crazy when your body starts burning fat for energy like that. Plus it feels great to know you have that kind of power over yourself (and we all know how much we love to have control, right?) ;)
Sorry I just totally hijacked this comment box. :P Glad to be your first follower! And thanks for following me! Be well, and stay lovely!
<3
P.D.
Oh its so nice to have a follower of my blog :-) I'm busy having a look at everyones blog and reading them. I love this site.
ReplyDeleteThankyou for your comment, it means alot xx